Recently I wrote an article called 5 Things About Being Single. You all loved it and I thank you. Since then it has been requested that a Married Woman edition be done. How about that? Well you asked and I answered. I interviewed a group of married women; you all know that I do not play when it comes to my sources.
While sifting through all the responses I found, I admit it, that I am guilty of some of these offenses. Are you? Read below.
Married Women Want You to Stop:
Asking me to do things or go places that are co-ed without expecting that I would want to bring my husband
Seriously? This never crossed my mind as a thing. One of the married women I interviewed voiced this annoyance and I can totally dig her aggravation. If you invite your home girl out, knowing that it is a co-ed activity and Charles, Kevin and Tim are going why in the world would you not think that she would want her husband to come too? At that point I, myself, would look at you funny… do you not like her husband? Are you jealous? What is really going on? What ever it is that is making you slip up and do this, just cut it out. You might lose a friend.
Asking me about children… Who? What? When? Where?
This topic came up multiple times. While single folks, like myself, get this question all too often it is WORSE for married women. I cannot recall single men or husbands being hit with this at the same frequency, if at all- instead they get the “so, when are you gonna settle down (insert crass joke here and something about wild oats *rolls eyes*). The wives unanimously ask you to please stop asking them when they are going to have children and if they already have them, when the next child is coming.
Thank God, I don’t think I have ever asked this question and for the same reason that one of these brave women put so eloquently:
“You never know the circumstances this woman is facing… some people legitimately do not want children. … Then you have people who cannot conceive, they’ve been trying over and over and over and they just cannot conceive. … And then you also have the people who have miscarried so you never know what a person is dealing with so don’t ask the question 'when are you going to have children'.”
This also goes for boldly asking a married woman, any woman really, if she is pregnant. If she is not, then you have just made her very uncomfortable and self-conscious- shame on you! Sometimes she’s gained weight because she’s happy. The man she is with loves her and has put no restriction on her as to how she must look “for him”. She’s free, let her be free!
Asking me to comment on the sexual attractiveness of other men on social media
Know your friends. Really, we should know our friends by now. One of the women called it “inappropriate”. I can understand that. It is about mutual respect for your spouse. If I were a wife, I definitely would not want to hear my husband talk about another woman as being ‘sexy’. Too many different thoughts and desires go with finding a person sexy and no I’m not down for that kind of role play. What are your thoughts? Share your comment below.
Telling me to make sure my husband is happy
Name one bridal shower that you have been to that you DID NOT hear another woman giving the bride to be this piece of advice. Waiting...
The woman, wife and mother gave this response expressing her noticeable concern: “like the woman’s happiness doesn’t matter”. She’s right, are grooms or husbands getting this same advice? Something is gravely wrong with this picture. Too many times you get this advice yet later on you learn of the regrets these same women have had because they followed the advice passed down without thinking of themselves as well.
It doesn't just stop at "making him happy" apparently people also expect a man's wife to dress him and feed him when they attend social functions that are self serve buffet style. How many times can a girl do a face palm? I'm getting a headache!
Nothing is wrong with a wife helping to make sure her husband's style is on point nor is there an issue with her getting (fixing) him a plate, however, the IS with being expected to. That is plain old ridiculous, both husband and wife can do this for each other!
Shouldn’t the advice be “make sure you both love, respect and make each other happy”?
Asking me about my husband when you could ask him for yourself
Two become one, yes but the mystery is that they’re still two individuals accountable for their own lives. Okay, I am guilty of this *timidly raises hand*, is it still bad if it’s little nonsense questions like “where are they?” or “what is ____ doing?”. I am guilty of those, I am so sorry.
I don’t think this even needs explaining. If you are not in the relationship and household reserve your “judgment” for yourself. This is not to say that if there is an obvious problem that you should remain quiet, no it is about disliking how one wife relates to her husband and their marital existence and/or parenting. Seriously, unsolicited advice can be very harmful, especially when it comes from someone who just likes to voice their opinion without actually caring about who they are affecting.
How about we stop judging and start caring.
Telling a woman that she needs to get pregnant, make her husband happy (often even if that means neglecting herself), telling her how to love and care for her children and husband, put her dreams aside and many other nonsensical notions bring nothing but unmerited guilt. Stop it! A woman faces so much externally and internally, the last thing she needs is added grief to her emotional state. Have you ever seen a person successfully go through life being completely weighed down by guilt or loss of self-worth? I am not talking about the façade that many put on because when you look behind the curtain there are shambles that only they and God know.
One of the wives that I interviewed shared this:
“Stop asking me if I got my husband’s permission. Yes we became one but I did not lose my identity. ..If I want to change the way I look I will do so. … Stop asking me when I am going to stop trying to advance myself and telling me that its time I focus more on my family at home. It’s unfair. It is already hard on a woman to reach and achieve things and also balance home because these expectations are not also placed on the husband. So stop it.”
Are you guilty of doing any of these? Are you a wife that has these experiences? Share this with your friends and put your comments below.